Hiccup The talking coke bottle
by earthraindragon1
Summary: Astrid was a truant, rebel, and general lunatic, with a no care attitude to life. When she meets Hiccup, her life is turned upside down. The only thing-Hiccup's a Coke bottle. Modern AU Read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**I fancied doing a modern AU, and the weirdest idea came into my head. Read this story, if you dare...**

You know your life's taken a dive in the deep end, when an old Lady is going faster than you. Bent double, she zooms down the street on a mobility scooter.

Astrid Hofferson was a typical flunk student. Grades hardly ever above an F, attendence below 20%, and an attitude to rival a Dragon with toothache. Nobody expected Astrid to achieve anything. Neither did Astrid, really.

The old Lady was the final straw. I mean, seriously? A scooter?

Astrid's day had been, well, rubbish. Snotlout, a fellow truant, had tried to flirt with her, the twins had offered her drugs, and Fishlegs still had not left the house due to his "mystery" illness. Most probably laziness, or Heather. Same thing, really.

Still, anything was better than school. Being trapped, caged, unable to fly. Astrid hated it. Whatever anyone said, no matter how annoying her friends got, she was not going back. Not after Dagur.

Astrid, the typical flunk stufdent did not expect much of her life. Walking down the street, she kicked a coke bottle out of her way.

Astrid never expected the coke botttle to scream.


	2. Chapter 2

**I know, this story seemed to fall off the face of the Erath, but while I have some time, and a computer, I thought I'd carry it on. Enjoy (:**

Hiccup had not had a good week. His schoolbook had fallen in a puddle, his glasses were broken, and so was what remained of his pride.

Astrid Hofferson was a Punk, too cool for school kinda gal. The one everyone aspired to be, but then promptly sat back down and reminded themselves they had revision to do. Hiccup was the stereotypical nerd who only talked to the teachers.

The universe **clearly** had it in for him. Astrid was also his lifetime crush.

So, who could blame him? Astrid had left a half finished bottle of coke on the school playground. Hiccup had stumbled with all the speed his little legs could gather towards it, fully intending to return it to the goddess whom he adored.

She was already gone.

Astrid had drunk from this bottle. An indirect kiss...

Hiccup had been through an awful day. All he did was open the bottle, just to take a look-

Then everything began spiralling, quite literally, out of control.

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Astrid stopped. She swivelled round. Somebody had screamed. The street was eerily empty. A theoretical dust-ball bounced down the pavement.

"ASTRID!"

There it was again. The blonde rubbed her eyes, groaning. If the twins had drugged that weird tasting coke, she swore she was gonna...

"ASTRID! DOWN HERE! ON THE GROUND!"

Nope, definitely not a drug induced hallucination.

Astrid looked down,

And down,

And down.

It was a coke bottle.

Her half finished coke.

With Hiccups face on the front of it.

Astrid screamed, before kicking the away, and sprinting home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello guys. I was really keen to get another chapter pulled ot the Dragons mouth, so here you are. Time for R and R!**

 **I'm pretty sure I did Chapter 1 R the R somewhere else, but I'll do it here so you can all see it.**

 **Guest: Awesome idea, but our Punk Astrid's too cool for that!**

 **Kira: Yup. It's my ambition to own that yellow bug someday...**

 **Midnight510: Thank you for your continued support. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and find it just as funny as the other (:**

 **Intrikit: Thank you so much for reviewing my story. I' m giving longer chapters a go, and I'll see where it takes me (:**

 **Zexalloverforever39: I'm glad you think so. Be prepared for some sorrow on the side of the hilarity this chapter (:**

 **Aiacco: Hiccup is a little... creepy. Even so, who can blame a love struck boy with a crush on ASTRID, VIKING GODDESS OF OUR TIME? Thankyou so much for your lovely review (:**

 **I based Astrid's hair discoveries off my own. I find all sorts of things in that bird nest. Astrid and her Mother have strong Scottish accents, so I have tried to write their speech as it would sound. If you find it too confusing, leave me a review and I'll try and change it.**

 **Now, on with the show.**

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"ARE YE GUNNA BE MUCH LONGER LASS, OR AM AH GUNNA AFTA DRAG YE OOT BY THA PLAIT?"

Astrid scowled, viciously dragging her fingers through a parrots nest that could vaguely be recognised as her hair. Turning off the shower, Astrid stepped out into the chilly Bathroom. Goose bumps rose up on her arms and legs.

"AM COMIN MUM!" Wrapping a towel around herself, Astrid scampered out into the hall.

There she stood. 6'8, pure brawn and flesh, and the ideal Viking. She cast a huge shadow that sprouted mysterious horns upon her head. Tattoos ran down her right arm, a thick hand clenching...

"Let me look a tha hair o' yours. It needs a gud brush." Astrid stared at her Mum. The woman sighed. "Get ye jaw of tha floor and come sit on ah chair."

Numbly following her Mum to the flats only Bedroom, Astrid sat on the wooden chair. She sat on it as a greeting. The chair creaked back a hello.

A coke bottle...with a face on it. Hiccup the nerds face on it... The twins had seemed a little eager to give her that coke, but what in Vallhalla had they put in it? And why Hiccup? And how had a coke bottle followed her? Had it even been hers, or had i-

"AAGGGHHH! OH THORS PANTS WOMAN, WHADYA DO THA FOR?" Astrids Mother unclenched the fistful of her blonde hair held in her hand, smirking slightly.

"Ah need ya attenshun, Dolly Daydream. When d'ya last brush ye hair?"

Astrid cocked her head to one side, lost in thought. Hadn't been that party at Fishlegs? The one with those Jaeger bombs with some... less than honest substances in. Thank the Gods she never drank. Or maybe that Birthday a month ago...

"Yeste'day." Astrid said.

Her Mum snorted. "Like hell ye did."

It took... well, it took a while. The first trawl through her hair supplied a pen, a feather, three wine gums, and something hard and tacky.

After three more hair washes, a bit of cutting, and a dangerous mix of improvisation, Astrid looked as good as any Punk ready for the Mosh Pit could. She was also dressed, which kind of helped.

" Well, ya na perfect, but..." The muscular woman grinned. "Not half bad fer sumwun ooo forgets her clothes most mornings!" Astrid groaned, holding her head in her hands, a blush creeping up her ears.

"Muuuuum, that were ony wunce!"

"And gud riddance ta tha!" Chuckling, Mrs Hofferson stood and walked to the bed.

"Hows school?"

"Went there taday."

Mrs Hofferson sighed.

"Ya frends?"

"Alive an high as a kite, Mum."

"The pet Dragon? "

" Doing jus f- WHAT?"

Mrs Hofferson turned to face her daughter. No, Astrid was certainly not the Woman she had thought she would be. A sixteen year old delinquent with bad company, and no dreams. She wasn't the worst of the bunch, though. Something was up.

" Whats eating ya" Astrid opened her mouth "And don say the Nadder next door. Thats bin at me chicken fer tha past sixteen years..."

Crossing her arms, Astrid leaned back on her seat.

"Nuthin, Mother. Am fine!"

"Look, ah know tha this is h'ard on ya. Wit ya Pa an sis gone-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP! YA DON KNOW, AN YA NE'ER WILL!" Slamming her fist on the wall, Astrid growled, before getting to her feet, and leaving for the door. She knew where this was going. The same hole it always went.

"ASTRID, CAMACAZI WOULD'NA WANNA SEE YA THIS WAY-

"AH DON WANNA KNOW. TA HELL WIT HER. TA HELL WIT PA. LEAVE ME BE!"

Slamming the door behind her, Astrid raced away. Her choked breathes mixed with the cold rain. It had been years ago, but it was still so raw.

Stopping, she slid down a wall, gritting her teeth.

"Jus leave me be."

Tears fell onto the Pavement.

A plastic bottle rolled forward, hopped onto the pavement, and waited patiently for Astrid to look up.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm really on a roll with this story. A huge thanks to everyone who has reviewed, followed, faved,or even just taken a look at this silly lil story. So far, I haven't included a dislaimer, so-**

 **DISLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN COCA COLA, COKE, OR HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON.**

 **Wew, got that out of the way. Now, time for R the R!**

 **Zexalloverforever39: The story will continue to tell us about our adorable dorks. I can't guarantee Hiccups safety though! Thankyou so much for your review (:**

 **Aiacco: I only just searched what chapeau means. Respect to you too for leaving such an awesome review! A six meter Astrid would be cool, but this is HTTYD, not Attack on Titan (: By the way, Astrid's Mother is the tall one, but I'm going to stick to Astrid's canon height for this story. Thankyou for your great review (:**

 **Okie dokie. Its time we got down to the nitty gritty. I introduce you to- THE THORSTONS**.

Two lanky teenagers lumbered down the road. Cigarettes hung from both of their lips, bottles of drink clutched in their hands. One of them held a chicken.

"Hey, chicken! I'm your Daddy! That's right, cluck away my lovely!"

Tuffnut Thorston giggled slightly, snorting, and spraying mucus everywhere. Ruffnut groaned.

"Get your "sweetly pie" outta my face, you spanner" Tuff stopped abruptly, his darling clenched within his arms.

"How dare you call my daughter a sweet pie. Lay your filthy hands off my child! She shall not be cooked into a tasty delicacy, not even by my own blood! BE GONE, FOUL WENCH!"

Ruff shook her head, flinging the beer can away, before sticking her cigarette behind her ear, and jamming her hands in her pocket. She waltzed off into a dark alley way, not even looking back.

The street was eerily silent. The sky seemed pitch black, and there were no working street lamps. Tuff shivered, holding onto his adopted daughter. She clucked, before jumping from his arms, and toddling off.

"RUFF! WAIT FOR ME!"

Ruffnut grinned, before getting up from her slouch against a wall, and staggered back to her hopeless brother. Stupid idiot.

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Oh boy. It was cold. So damn cold. Astrid couldn't go home, though. She knew what would come. The same, tense, apologetic looks , the gentle words... Not again. Not tonight.

Astrid rubbed her teary eyes dry with the heels of her hands. The nights wind stung her wet body. She looked up at the stars, and kept looking till they burned at her eyes. They were beautiful.

Flipping good for them.

Standing up, Astrid began walking. She was going-

"AHHHHHHHHH! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?"

It was the voice again. Oh, for Thors sake, Astrid really didn't care anymore. If her mind was creating an imaginairy Hiccup friend for her, what the heck.

Astrid looked down, nodding to herself as she saw the familiar red bottle. Yup. She was crazy.

"The God's hate me. Probably have some kinda vendetta against me. Do I owe them a loan or something? A loan of total misery of despair, cos if I do, they can stick it up their-"

"Hiccup, stop babbling. I'm tired, an I'm hungry. I'm also losin' ma mind. I keep seeing a coke bottle with yer mug on it." Astrid's watered down Scottish accent cut through Hiccup's threat.

"Now, I'm gonna try an pick ye up, but my hand gunna pass straight through yer, right?"

Hiccups face looked up at her. Eyes brows poking out of a coke bottle wrapper sent shivers down Astrids spine. It was like some creepy Disney film.

"Nope. Don't think so, milady. I'm pretty solid."

Astrid reached down to touch Hiccup. Yep. Still there.

"At least tell me ya gunna grant me three wishes."

"I can give you the strength of study papers, the wealth of knowledge, and the gift of good animes."

"Thought not."

With trembling legs, Astrid tottered to a gutter, before relieving the meagre contents of her stomach.

"I'm pre-tty sure I saw some coke in that."

"If ya don shut up now, ya gonna see yer freckled face in their too. Now, spill."

"I think you've already done the honours."

A high pitched scream erupted. It wasn't Astrid's.


	5. Chapter 5

**Oooh, Its been too long! But here I am! A giant thanks to everybody who reviewed! Since I pretty much PM'd everybody who left one, I only have two R the R today.**

 **Isdisprophunt- Your review was a lil… confusing. I did, however, give it a search online. So-**

 **Diaper baby- pretty self explanatory.**

 **Noob tube from hell-** **A noob tube is the M203 Grenade Launcher attachment for Assault Rifles. There are many reasons for the nickname, but the main reason is that many noobs use the Noob Tube indiscriminately, relying on it for kills, and blasting anyone around them.**

 **I really appreciate you leaving a review, but I don't think babies or "noob tubes" are going to be in this story anytime soon. Or maybe they will, who knows…**

 **Aiacco-Yup, Ruff** **n** **uts hair, by all laws of nature, should have caught fire. But somehow, it didn't. Don't ask me how. She's just too cool. Also, if you need a visual aid of what Hiccup may look like, take a look at** **Lumière** , **Cogsworth, Chip, Mrs. Potts and Babette,** **from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.** **Definitely my favourite Disney, next to Mulan.**

 **All right, I'm feeling ready for this. Let us begin (:**

 **Disclaimer:I do not own HTTYD, Coke, or any other copyrighted thing I may mention.**

It was… a chicken?

It stumbled over to Astrid, clucking and squawking crazily, feathered arms fluttering up and down. Spit trailed down it's beak.

"Ew, ew, ew!" Hiccup at least _tried_ to roll himself out of the on-coming spits way, but it was too late. Astrid wrinkled her nose.

"Yer on ya own, Hiccup. No way I'm gonna touch that gunk." Hiccup glared up at her, as sarcastic as any Coke bottle could be. It was really quite pitiful.

Taking pity on the boy, bottle, whatever he was, Astrid sighed, and reached into her pocket for a tissue. There had to be one _somewhere_. Fluff, paper, pen, rock, gum, money…

"Ah, tissue!" Astrid held up the snot covered tissue up in victory. "All right Hiccup, I'm gonna-"

Wait.

What? 

No way.

Both Hiccup and Chicken were gone.

What the hell? They'd been right there in front of her…

"ASTRID. ASTRID!" A deep, yet unmistakeable voice boomed from the end of the road. "ASTRID, THERE YE ARE!"

Oh Mother, was Astrid in trouble.

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"CHICKEN! CHICKEN, WHERE ARE YOU, CHICKEN?"

Ruffnut rubbed the space between her eyes, groaning in disbelief. Five minutes, five minutes she'd left him, and the dunce had gone and lost Chicken. I just looked away for a moment, he said. Just heard a scream, he said. Like hell he heard a scream. Probably couldn't hear anything through the disgusting ears of his…

"Ruffnut, do you know where my son is." Tuffnut ran up to his sister, grasping her by the shoulders, and shaking her violently. "Did you… cook him?"

Ruffnut opened her mouth, beyond exasperated. "You did, didn't you? You fiend! YOU SCOUNDREL! YOU RUFFIAN! YOUR DISOWNED AS A SISTER!"

"CLUCK!"

Ruff and Tuff simultaneously rubbernecked, whacking heads as they did so.

"WELCOME BACK TO THE FAMILY, SIS!" Tuff yelled, sprinting over to his darling. "OHH, WHO'S A PWETTY LIL CHICK CHICK? YOOU, THATS WHOOO!" Tuff lifted Chicken into his arms, peppering her with kisses.

Ruff rubbed her head. "I'm gonna puke, brother of mine."

"Please don't. I'm still trying to erase the past few minutes of disgust from my mind."

Ruff frowned, scratching her chin. "Tuff, your level of hygiene is nought to none. Don't try that one on me."

Tuff turned around. "Don't what?" Chicken gob glob slivered down his wrist, coating his sleeve in the goo. Ruffnut groaned.

"You just told me not to puke, idiot. How much _did you_ drink?" Stepping forward, Ruffnutt lifted a hand, fully intending to smack her brother around the dopey head.

Then she heard a scream.

Ruff stopped. She swivelled round. Somebody had screamed. The street was dark, lit only by a few street lights, and Chickens suspiciously luminescent saliva.

"THORSTON!"

There it was again. The blonde rubbed her eyes, groaning. If Snotlout had given her those dodgy cigarette's again, she swore she would kick him some place-

"THORSTON! DOWN HERE! ON THE GROUND!"

Nope, not even Chicken could talk.

Ruff looked down,

And down,

And down.

It was a coke bottle.

With Hiccups face on the front of it.

Ruffnut picked up the coke bottle, glaring at Hiccups face.

"Did you Chick-nap Chicken?"

 **Ruffnut. Ruffian? Geddit?**

 **Ignore my dorkiness. I should have anther chapter out by Wednesday at the latest. Thanks for reading, have a great day, and look after your selves (:**


	6. Chapter 6

**Well, "Updated by Wednesday" she said. "By the latest" she said.**

 **Hah.**

 **Well, I have returned.**

 **To Guest- I was as high as any tea can make you.**

"Astrid, ye coulda caught a cold out here. Tis' Berk after all..."

"Mum-" Astrid swept a hand through her fringe, before sighing. It would be no use to try and explain what had happened. Better just to let Hiccup, and the entire evening, slide away like a kid slipping off a diving board into a pool.

Of course, Astrid thought, the splash would have to wait till the morning.

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"WOAH! Your a Coke bottle! SO COOL!" Tuffnut raised the quivering hiccup up, before idly tossing him up and down.

"Ah! AHHH, TUFFF, STOP!"

Ruff snatched Hiccup mid-flight, returning him to the ground.

"So **you** didn't steal Chicken, Chicken stole **you**?"

"That about sums it up, yes indeedy."

"O-kay… Well, with that sorted, it's time to go. Later, Hiccup!"

Tuff scooped Chicken from the ground, grinning.

" **Yeah, later!** Now who's my lil chick-chick? Yes, yooo!..."

"HEY!" Hiccup tried bouncing forward to catch up, but to no avail"

Then, the twins were gone.

Where did Astrid live again?

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 **A short, filler chapter. The action will be with us next time!**

 **Have a nice day (:**


	7. Chapter 7

Astrid opened her eyes to the new day.

Messy room- check.

Anime posters- check.

Hiccup a la Coke form-

"SHIT!"

Astrid threw aside her bedsheets, leaping to her feet before smashing her pillow like the blond tyrant she was upon her unsuspecting prey.

"Well good morning to you too. Fun-sized Hiccup here to spoil your day!"

"What the hell are ye doin' here!" Astrid shakily ran hand through her fringe, lifting the pillow from Hiccup. "How the hell are ye actually real!?" Astrid walked to her desk, pulling up her chair before collapsing in it.

"Question one, I came in through the mouse hole- you should really get that sorted out" Hiccup shuddered, momentarily blinded by visions of near death by starving rats.

"Question two, It's your fault I'm real, and very much in Coke form"

Astrid snorted. "Gimme something that isn't my fault and I'll kiss ya"

" _Oh, well that got deep quite quickly…_ However, Milady" Hiccup bounced on the spot, eyes jiggling like googly eyes on a five year olds craft project "A kiss would do me fine. One princess and the frog smooch, and I'll be back to normal. Whad'ya say?"

Astrid smiled, bending down before gently lifting Hiccup from the ground. Hiccup closed his eyes, puckering his glass lips.

"STORMFLY!"

Hiccup opened one eye.

"Stormfly? What's Storm- AHHHHHHH PUT ME DOOOOOWWWNN!"

Astrid chuckled evilly to herself, watching as Stormfly the parrot flew loop-de-loops with Hiccup in beak.

"Never cross a Hofferson, ma boy. Never." And with that, Astrid left the room.

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"So I said to Tuff, that's not Chicken, that's our Headmaster!" Fishlegs laughed nervously, scratching at the scrawny beard he was growing. It resembled small, wiry pieces of wool stuck on with blue tack. Perhaps that was because it was. You never knew with Fishlegs.

Ruffnut lay a hand on his arm, fluttering her eyes. A fly buzzed by, before getting entrapped in the snares of her false eyelashes. Wiping the black gunk from her face, Ruff giggled. Fishlegs shuffled backwards.

"How about a kiss, my munchkin?"

Fishlegs whimpered. Why had he come to Ruffs room again? "I umm..." He looked side to side for a saviour. "I can't."

Ruff raised an eyebrow. "Why ever not, Sweetpea?"

"Urrr, because, because..." Suddenly, the door flew open, and Astrid, oddly resembling a Banana in Pyjama with her blond hair and blue PJ's, marched in.

"ASTRID'S MY GIRLFRIEND"

"YOU WHOT!"

"WHY WOULD YOU BETRAY MEEEEEEEEEEE!?"

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 **THREE HOURS OF SHOUTING, SWEARING, FIGHTING, AND DIPLOMACY INCLUDING TOY AXES LATER…**

"So" Fishlegs sat cautiously down, keeping a wary eye on the volatile Ruff. "Hiccup believes by kissing you he will be human again?"

"AYE! I DON'T GET IT!" Astrid howled, stamping her foot, causing another segment of the floor to crack.

"KEEP IT QUIET UP THERE!" Screamed Mrs Thorston.

"Yes Mrs Thorston." The kids chanted.

"Anyway" Fishlegs coughed. "Why does he think you can solve HIS problem?"

Rufnut squealed. "Maybe he thinks your a Princess!"

Aa pregnant silence filled the room. A dustball rolled on by.

"Mayyybe not then. Anyway, there's no rush, we can figure this out!

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Hiccup sighed sadly, his gaze falling to the dirty brown carpet in Astrid's room. Was there no easy way back to his normal life, including only stupid crushes on certain pretty blond girls, and multiplayer video games where he played against himself?

 _ **NO MY CHILD, THERE IS NOT**_

Hiccup jolted backwards, shaking in his boots, or rather, wrapper.

"Who, who are-"

 _ **I AM THE ALMIGHTY, WONDROUS...LUCOZADE!**_

A bright orange one litre bottle rose through the carpet, till it floated a meter above the ground. And on the bottles front it bore a familiar face to Hiccup.

"MUM!?"

 _ **WE MUST TALK, MY SON, FOR IF YOU DO NOT TURN BACK TO YOUR HUMAN FORM SOON...YOU ARE DOOMED TO BE A COKE BOTTLE FOREVER!**_

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 **Soo, I'm back? Thank you for your lovely reviews and patience. If you want to talk to me, throw me a message on Tumblr at earthraindragon1**

 **Guest- No problemo dude!**

 **Midnight510- Thank you so much! I try to keep this light hearted, because the world often isn't. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**

 **Katurdi- Alright! I'm so glad you had a chuckle!**

 **Have a great day guys (:**


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